On the Day You Turn Twenty-Seven

 Dear Self,

Thank you for not giving up until now.

The past few months have been so hard on you and for you. You've been on the down-low most of the time, and a lot of the emotions you've been feeling are quite new to you. They overwhelm you to the point that tears suddenly fall down your cheeks. Sometimes you space out because you feel empty and dead inside and it seems that nothing excites you anymore. You shut yourself out because you feel that people, most especially your family, will not understand. You sometimes have thoughts of hurting yourself just for you to know that you still feel. You still do feel so just let yourself feel every emotion. Cry if you need to. Take a day off if you want to. But don't ever hurt yourself.  

I know it's been hard but just hang in there a little more. Not that everything's going to be alright but because you owe it to yourself not to give up after every difficulty you've been through. I know it's been draining and taxing to always keep yourself together but please don't give up.

You can still achieve something. Just take a step back. Look at how far you've come. Look at how far you can still go. It may not seem too obvious now but I believe you can go further. You will go further. In due time.

So for now, just keep on holding on to the things that wake you up each day and the things that excite you even just a little. Do not let your thoughts kill you for you are more precious alive than dead.

Just keep swimming.

Always here for you,

Your Other Self

Thank you, 2019!

Thank you for a year of lessons, realizations, and valuable relationships.

You started as "I couldn't," "I don't know how," and "I'm not sure if I can." As each of your days unfolded, you told me that I could, that I know how, and that I can be sure I can. You reminded me that I can start each day as hopeful as the sunrise. That no matter how each horrible dream gets me tossing and turning, I will still wake up to a beautiful day. That no matter how tired I get even after sleeping, I can still make it through the day. Small steps. Baby steps. And even if some days still seem to be as bad as the nightmares, the sunset would be there to eat the darkness pretending to be light. And I would be comforted by the light personified in the darkness of the night. And the thunder and lightning would make purple skies as if telling the voices inside and outside my head that you got me. And for that, I thank you.

You made me walk miles, literally and figuratively. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, you reminded me to walk it off so I could think. You made me realize that walking is therapeutic. But it can be too overwhelming some days that walking couldn't help. So you made me talk to a few of the amazing people around me and it helped a lot. You constantly reminded me of the realizations I had--that I should face each challenge that comes my way and that I should believe that all will be well in the end. You made me realize that the outcomes may not be what I wanted them to be, but they will be what they should be for me. And for that, I thank you.

You made me value the relationships I have--my family, my friends, my classmates, and my officemates. They helped me survive you. They helped me each day in ways I never thought I deserve. But you reminded me that I was made deserving of every little thing that one can think of. You reminded me that I was, am, and will always be loved, and wanted. Perhaps that's what I was craving for--to be wanted by someone, to be needed by someone--because that would make me feel that I exist and that I am real. Somehow, you made me feel that I do exist. And for that, I thank you.

Thank you for a wonderful year of ups and downs. Uphill or downhill, the trek on your slope was truly difficult, but I still made it to another station. Tomorrow, I'll start another journey to yet another station. No matter what happens, I'll keep on going till I see the beautiful view on top. So thank you for an adventure worth remembering.

And for you 2020, bring it on!

A Beginner's Experience of Mt. 387

View at the summit of Mt. 387, Carranglan, Nueva Ecija

To (sort of) celebrate my 25th birthday, I went on a joiners tour to climb Mt. 387, or Mt. Batong-Amat, in Brgy. Puncan, Carranglan, Nueva Ecija last October 28. As this was my first ever mountain hike, I had a lot of questions in mind -- How difficult would it be? Would I be able to go back in one piece? What should I expect? I even made a research about some basic mountaineering terms before I decided to go.

Road trip groufie

Pre-hike orientation

The road trip to Nueva Ecija was quite long. We left Batangas at 9:20 PM of October 27 and had some videoke session (YES! The van has one!) on the way to Metro Manila where we'd pick up some joiners. We reached the jump-off point in Brgy. Puncan at around 4:00 AM the next day.

Before starting the traverse, we had breakfast at the store at the jump-off point then we proceeded with the pre-hike orientation. We were told of the brief history of why the mountain is called Mt. 387 or Mt. Batong-Amat. Apparently, Batong-Amat is the name of the rocks at the summit. The mountain, covering 387.9 hectares of land, is protected by the Department of Environment and Natural Resources. At certain times of the year, hikers can bring with them tree seedlings to plant on their way to the summit, but since we went at a time when the lands are quite dry, we were only encouraged to bring water bottles to water the little trees on the way.

Halfway there!

The traverse to the top was quite challenging. My friend said it's only 2/9 difficulty, but I felt like it was more than that. (It's my first time so I have nothing to compare it with.) I had a lot of stops before I reach the summit, and I even had to make use of a makeshift cane to have extra support while hiking.

It was still dark when we started trekking. Halfway to the summit, we already saw the view that Mt. 387 was known for. We saw wide rice fields and several other mountains in Carranglan. At the summit, the view was even more breathtaking because we saw Nueva Ecija's Chocolate Hills. We had a small picture-taking session there as we were traveling with three photography enthusiasts.

Stopped for a rest. (Dex Macalelong)

Majestic sunrise

The rest of Carranglan (I think?)

Here's to my 25th!

Photo-op at the Batong-Amat rocks.

Looking like my knees aren't shaking.

Lovers' tree campsite. (Dex Macalelong)

Group picture at the Lovers' tree. (Dex Macalelong)

Traverse to Aloha Falls. (Dex Macalelong)

Our little adventure didn't stop there. We had to go to Aloha Falls and to get there, we had to do a traverse. (The difficulty is 4/9.) The trail was so steep that the tour guides advised us to wear gloves so that we wouldn't cut ourselves on the spiky stems of the plants that we'd hold onto. Some of us decided to just sit and slide down our butts just to be safe. (And poor me got nauseous and had leg cramps on the way to the falls!) The way down took me longer than expected. Eventually, I decided not to go to the falls because I was already tired and I was nursing my poor leg.

Even though I got injured, I enjoyed my first ever hike and I was very grateful I decided to go. I was able to think about and learn a lot of things. (Watch out for my post about those learnings. *wink wink*) And most importantly, I was able to conquer one of my greatest doubts about myself.

Our small group. (Dex Macalelong)

A couple of people to be thankful for this trip...
To my friends, Dexter, Noriel, Tune, and Joan, for coercing asking me to join them on this trip. I quite regretted joining them at first, but I'm very thankful now. (Where are the rest of our pictures?)
To my fellow joiners on the tour, for the laughter and for the great experience.
To our tour coordinator, Ms. Daisyree Catad, for being very patient and for waiting on me while I nurse my poor leg.
To our tour organizer, Mr. Jhay Desamparado of Byahe Ni JhayRick, for a very well organized tour. Hassle-free!
To our van driver, Kuya Walter, for keeping us safe throughout our road trip and for dropping me off two blocks away from my dorm.
To our tour guides, Kuya Jordan and Kuya Isagani, for helping me in that steep trail going to Aloha Falls.
To my fellow hikers that day, for lending some help while I was resting on the trail. Some of them gave me Jelly Ace, a pinch of salt (to help with the cramps), and sincere words of encouragement.
And to God, for the great experience, for allowing me to go back to the city in one piece, and for letting me be at work the following day.

I just love this view! (Dex Macalelong)

Now, that was an experience!

I Am Happy

I am happy.

I want to claim it. I want to believe that I am happy with what I am doing.

I am happy. I am just not sure what degree of happiness I feel.

I have been making plans for my life for a while now, but I am not quite happy about it. I cannot stick with those plans. I told myself I would go back to studying once I get a new laptop. I got a new one two months ago, yet I am not even making inquiries for requirements. I have been procrastinating, and I don't feel really good about it.

I have been working as an instructional materials developer for a while now, and I am happy about it, extremely happy. I feel more comfortable working with my colleagues now. I feel more confident sharing my ideas with them now. And I feel quite good about sharing what I know for a great outcome.

I have been spending quite a lot now, and I am neither happy nor sad about it. I am working so I can have the money to satisfy my needs and my wants. I am regularly buying the things I need, and I am occasionally buying the things I want. I just feel quite bad that my savings account balance is not increasing. I guess nobody would be happy about that.

I have been speaking ill of other people quite often now, and I don't know how to feel about it. In the past years, I had always been thinking about the goodness of people. I couldn't think of their bad side unless triggered by other people. I guess I just learned to accept that people are not always good and they're not always bad all the time either.

And I just learned that people can be happy even if they're sad. Emotional as it may sound, but they might have found happiness in their solace. I think I couldn't find mine there. Sadness eats me alive and I can barely breathe on its first touch.

I really don't know what I am saying here. All I know, and all I want to believe at this moment, is that I'm happy.

I am a Licensed Teacher, But I Opt Not to Teach

People who know me since 2009 know that I don't want to be a teacher. 

I graduated from PUP where, during freshman enrollment, you had to battle for a program slot with other enrollees. I was supposed to take Accountancy because my young mind back then thought that's what I wanted. To make the long story short, I didn't make it because I didn't meet the minimum grade requirement for Math, so I enrolled in BSEd-English, hoping that I could shift to Accountancy by second year but the shift didn't happen.

Fast forward to college graduation, I felt like I had to give back to education by teaching. I started working in a private high school, the same school where I had my internship, then I took the LET and thankfully passed. After two years of teaching, I quit and looked for a job that could refresh my views about teaching and about my life. Why? Because I started to burn out; I felt like teaching is eating the life out of me.

Last year, when I left the academe, many people thought I'd be working in BPO. But I was able to land a job as an ESL Writer for an online English education company. Today, I can say that I am grateful that I took a step into the unknown because I found what I really want to do in my life.

Then, this morning, I woke up and found that an elderly relative has visited my grandma. When I paid my respects, this relative asked me if I have already passed the LET. I confidently said, "Yes, I passed it two years ago." Then I got a reply. "Why don't you apply to a public school? Your aunt is getting Php 30,000 a month while on leave."

The moment I heard "public school," I was already thinking, "Oh, no! Here we go again!" I just politely said, "I don't want to teach." Then I slowly went out of sight.

So what's the point in telling this story?

First, could everyone please stop pushing me to be in a public school? It's not that I abhor it or anything, but I plan to enjoy my life while experiencing things I may not experience if I'm in a public school. I still have plans to teach but I don't want to share contrived experiences to my future students because they're so unreal. I don't want to live vicariously because I am not meant for that.

Second, could everyone please stop telling me that I took an education program so I need to be in a school to practice what I learned? This isn't only for me but for all the underemployed people I know. What I learned in the university can be used and utilized not only in the field of education but also in other fields. I admit I used to tell everyone then that I don't want to learn something I wouldn't be able to use at work, but those thoughts came from a mind which was exposed to idealism and not to the real world out there. People who learned something they don't want to learn need not be boxed by a world they don't want to be in.

Lastly, could everyone please stop telling me that I don't have to think about the now but that I have to think about "my" future? Oh, yes, retirement! Everyone should be ready for their retirement, but shouldn't everyone also be concerned about happiness and fulfillment?

What I want to say is if I keep on preparing for my future, I may not be able to enjoy my life right now. I don't want to be solely focused on my destination without admiring the journey I am at.



I've been hearing all these things for the past three years and I think they're getting old. Please understand that this is my life and my ultimate goal is to be happy. Just like how children have different learning styles and study habits, people also have different means to be happy. Some people may be happy to follow the trail of everybody, but some may be happy to make a new trail and enjoy another scenery. I am one of the latter and I can say that I am pretty much enjoying the new trail I created.

Someday, I may find myself going back to everybody's trail, but I will never regret that I departed from the ideal because I know I will be able to share something worthwhile. Right now, I'll enjoy my life; the scenery here is great.