Nosce te ipsum: Musings of a wandering soul

Once upon a time, a lady loved a man who cannot love her back. This is no prelude to a fairy tale because theirs wasn’t one. They actually did not have one. Theirs were two different but related things: his story, her heartbreak.

This was the day that I felt everything. It was this very day three years ago. (Was it three years ago?) Yes, it was three years ago, but I felt that it was longer (it was even years on end) because I felt and experienced a lot within that time: the ups and downs of emotions of thinking about moving on, being in the process of moving on, feeling and thinking that I have already moved on, and going back to trying to move on – a roller coaster ride. That was what happened in three years.

I’ve learned a lot in that time. I’ve learned about life and love. But most importantly, I learned about myself, and I am still trying to learn about myself as I write this.

I’ve learned that life will go on even if you can’t keep up. It will not stop for you because you lost someone. Life will not stop even if you stop living. 

I’ve also learned that there’s more to life than love. Life is a mixture of everything – nature, people, unforeseen phenomena, love, heartbreaks, positivity, and even negativity. Life will not be life without the balance of the good and the bad. People need negativity to understand positivity, spaces to comprehend words and sentences, pauses in order to hear music, and breaks to understand people. And so I learned to embrace the negativity, the spaces, the pauses, and the breaks, and I learned that we all need them.

I learned that love can be shown in different forms and intensity. I learned that love bigger than love can turn into hatred and bitterness once not returned. It happened to me. The love I had was not reciprocated so I doubted my capability to love another man because the man I first loved already loves somebody else. This made me hate him and made me bitter. It eventually got to the point that I disconnected myself from his world because I cannot accept the fact that he cannot accept my love for him. But then, as time went by, I learned to accept, I learned to move on, and I learned that it is not an easy process. A lot of times I had to go back to day one because even a small sign of him made all the love rush back in. Until today came.

I was at the mall. As I was walking, I realized that this day three years ago, he left, not my arms but this land, for greener pastures. I was truly devastated because I hadn’t had the chance to talk to him or even bid goodbye. I found an escape in cutting and coloring my hair at the salon. And just today all these realizations were made.

I realized that over the past three years, I was fixated on my heartbreak while he proceeded with a happy life. He didn’t even know I was hurting. I realized that I treated my feelings as a baby that needs tears for nourishment. Thus, my feelings of heartbreak had grown into something as big and wild as a ferocious lion and even I was afraid of it. The barbaric beast was able to control its master. But then I learned that this was wrong so I learned to tame the savage lion, taught it how to behave, and trained it at my expense. Yet again, I realized that moving on is a long process – that the more I think about it and the more I force myself to do it, the more I hadn’t progressed to the next steps. I realized that the more I talk about a person, my experiences, and my heartbreak, the more I remember the person, the experiences, and the heartbreak. So I realized that it’s best to go on with my life, accept the pain, and grow with it because the pain reminded me that I did something wrong and that now I need to make over that mistake.

I realized that I tend to find validation from people around me. I do my best to impress people. I do things because I want to hear those “good job” and “how nice” comments from people who only know a part of me. So now I am trying to learn from these things. I am learning to do things for myself and I am trying to satisfy my ego first before others. I am learning to do things without expecting flattering comments in return. And I am learning to win inner battles against my previous self for a better me.

I also realized that I built walls so high that I was able to not let people in my own little personal space. But now I am learning to welcome people while also accepting the fact that there are chances of them hurting me in any possible way there is. I learned to bare my soul and be guarded at the same time. It sounds paradoxical, but that’s how it is – a precautionary measure.

With the changes that happened in my life, I can say that these new experiences have widened my horizon, not only in my career but also in my life. I’ve encountered new things, I’ve met new people, and I’ve had new experiences from which, I can say, I have learned a lot and have helped me grow as a person.

I am thankful for the experience.

I am thankful for life.

Nosce te ipsum.