I am a Licensed Teacher, But I Opt Not to Teach

People who know me since 2009 know that I don't want to be a teacher. 

I graduated from PUP where, during freshman enrollment, you had to battle for a program slot with other enrollees. I was supposed to take Accountancy because my young mind back then thought that's what I wanted. To make the long story short, I didn't make it because I didn't meet the minimum grade requirement for Math, so I enrolled in BSEd-English, hoping that I could shift to Accountancy by second year but the shift didn't happen.

Fast forward to college graduation, I felt like I had to give back to education by teaching. I started working in a private high school, the same school where I had my internship, then I took the LET and thankfully passed. After two years of teaching, I quit and looked for a job that could refresh my views about teaching and about my life. Why? Because I started to burn out; I felt like teaching is eating the life out of me.

Last year, when I left the academe, many people thought I'd be working in BPO. But I was able to land a job as an ESL Writer for an online English education company. Today, I can say that I am grateful that I took a step into the unknown because I found what I really want to do in my life.

Then, this morning, I woke up and found that an elderly relative has visited my grandma. When I paid my respects, this relative asked me if I have already passed the LET. I confidently said, "Yes, I passed it two years ago." Then I got a reply. "Why don't you apply to a public school? Your aunt is getting Php 30,000 a month while on leave."

The moment I heard "public school," I was already thinking, "Oh, no! Here we go again!" I just politely said, "I don't want to teach." Then I slowly went out of sight.

So what's the point in telling this story?

First, could everyone please stop pushing me to be in a public school? It's not that I abhor it or anything, but I plan to enjoy my life while experiencing things I may not experience if I'm in a public school. I still have plans to teach but I don't want to share contrived experiences to my future students because they're so unreal. I don't want to live vicariously because I am not meant for that.

Second, could everyone please stop telling me that I took an education program so I need to be in a school to practice what I learned? This isn't only for me but for all the underemployed people I know. What I learned in the university can be used and utilized not only in the field of education but also in other fields. I admit I used to tell everyone then that I don't want to learn something I wouldn't be able to use at work, but those thoughts came from a mind which was exposed to idealism and not to the real world out there. People who learned something they don't want to learn need not be boxed by a world they don't want to be in.

Lastly, could everyone please stop telling me that I don't have to think about the now but that I have to think about "my" future? Oh, yes, retirement! Everyone should be ready for their retirement, but shouldn't everyone also be concerned about happiness and fulfillment?

What I want to say is if I keep on preparing for my future, I may not be able to enjoy my life right now. I don't want to be solely focused on my destination without admiring the journey I am at.



I've been hearing all these things for the past three years and I think they're getting old. Please understand that this is my life and my ultimate goal is to be happy. Just like how children have different learning styles and study habits, people also have different means to be happy. Some people may be happy to follow the trail of everybody, but some may be happy to make a new trail and enjoy another scenery. I am one of the latter and I can say that I am pretty much enjoying the new trail I created.

Someday, I may find myself going back to everybody's trail, but I will never regret that I departed from the ideal because I know I will be able to share something worthwhile. Right now, I'll enjoy my life; the scenery here is great.

She Is the Sea; I Am the Forest

You fell in love with the sea and she is a part of the ocean.

I am the forest.

She is the sea.

Her crashing waves keep on coming

To the shore

To get you and your emotions,

Letting you feel a different sensation.

She can be cold;

She can be warm.

For you, it doesn’t really matter.

She is the sea.

She is the reason why you love the beach.

You keep on coming to her and for her

Despite the scorching sun up above,

Notwithstanding the frigidness of the water

In winter or in spring

And even if she’s quite perplexing.

She is the sea.

You don’t mind her crashing waves

Or the storm amidst her.

You love to see the clear blue water;

You long to go beyond her horizon.

And so you did.

I am the forest.

I do not have crashing waves or stormy seas,

But I can offer you the wild

That represents my tangled thoughts.

Once you come, you’ll get lost

Among countless trees mixed with my emotions

Hidden in the dark;

The misty grass in the morning

Would dampen your eyes with the beauty of my solitary.

I am the forest.

I do not intend to harm or frighten you

With the darkness I possess,

But I want you to take the risk

And experience how it is to be lost

In a multitude of feelings;

The old tall trees can attest to

How beautiful it is in my loving arms.

I am the forest.

Always keep in mind that I am here,

Waiting for you to take a leap of faith

To the unknown

Where we can deepen our knowledge of each other,

Comprehend the mysteries enveloping me

In this ocean of grass, twigs, and emotions.

She is the sea.

I am the forest.

You drowned yourself in the water,

But you’re scared of a little darkness.

Nosce te ipsum: Musings of a wandering soul

Once upon a time, a lady loved a man who cannot love her back. This is no prelude to a fairy tale because theirs wasn’t one. They actually did not have one. Theirs were two different but related things: his story, her heartbreak.

This was the day that I felt everything. It was this very day three years ago. (Was it three years ago?) Yes, it was three years ago, but I felt that it was longer (it was even years on end) because I felt and experienced a lot within that time: the ups and downs of emotions of thinking about moving on, being in the process of moving on, feeling and thinking that I have already moved on, and going back to trying to move on – a roller coaster ride. That was what happened in three years.

I’ve learned a lot in that time. I’ve learned about life and love. But most importantly, I learned about myself, and I am still trying to learn about myself as I write this.

I’ve learned that life will go on even if you can’t keep up. It will not stop for you because you lost someone. Life will not stop even if you stop living. 

I’ve also learned that there’s more to life than love. Life is a mixture of everything – nature, people, unforeseen phenomena, love, heartbreaks, positivity, and even negativity. Life will not be life without the balance of the good and the bad. People need negativity to understand positivity, spaces to comprehend words and sentences, pauses in order to hear music, and breaks to understand people. And so I learned to embrace the negativity, the spaces, the pauses, and the breaks, and I learned that we all need them.

I learned that love can be shown in different forms and intensity. I learned that love bigger than love can turn into hatred and bitterness once not returned. It happened to me. The love I had was not reciprocated so I doubted my capability to love another man because the man I first loved already loves somebody else. This made me hate him and made me bitter. It eventually got to the point that I disconnected myself from his world because I cannot accept the fact that he cannot accept my love for him. But then, as time went by, I learned to accept, I learned to move on, and I learned that it is not an easy process. A lot of times I had to go back to day one because even a small sign of him made all the love rush back in. Until today came.

I was at the mall. As I was walking, I realized that this day three years ago, he left, not my arms but this land, for greener pastures. I was truly devastated because I hadn’t had the chance to talk to him or even bid goodbye. I found an escape in cutting and coloring my hair at the salon. And just today all these realizations were made.

I realized that over the past three years, I was fixated on my heartbreak while he proceeded with a happy life. He didn’t even know I was hurting. I realized that I treated my feelings as a baby that needs tears for nourishment. Thus, my feelings of heartbreak had grown into something as big and wild as a ferocious lion and even I was afraid of it. The barbaric beast was able to control its master. But then I learned that this was wrong so I learned to tame the savage lion, taught it how to behave, and trained it at my expense. Yet again, I realized that moving on is a long process – that the more I think about it and the more I force myself to do it, the more I hadn’t progressed to the next steps. I realized that the more I talk about a person, my experiences, and my heartbreak, the more I remember the person, the experiences, and the heartbreak. So I realized that it’s best to go on with my life, accept the pain, and grow with it because the pain reminded me that I did something wrong and that now I need to make over that mistake.

I realized that I tend to find validation from people around me. I do my best to impress people. I do things because I want to hear those “good job” and “how nice” comments from people who only know a part of me. So now I am trying to learn from these things. I am learning to do things for myself and I am trying to satisfy my ego first before others. I am learning to do things without expecting flattering comments in return. And I am learning to win inner battles against my previous self for a better me.

I also realized that I built walls so high that I was able to not let people in my own little personal space. But now I am learning to welcome people while also accepting the fact that there are chances of them hurting me in any possible way there is. I learned to bare my soul and be guarded at the same time. It sounds paradoxical, but that’s how it is – a precautionary measure.

With the changes that happened in my life, I can say that these new experiences have widened my horizon, not only in my career but also in my life. I’ve encountered new things, I’ve met new people, and I’ve had new experiences from which, I can say, I have learned a lot and have helped me grow as a person.

I am thankful for the experience.

I am thankful for life.

Nosce te ipsum.

WHY?

Why?

I always tell people that my life question is “how”. But, recently, I found myself asking a lot of whys.

Why?

I don’t usually ask this question because I feel like I don’t need to know the reason. Because I know that whatever answer I get from asking, I will still do what I am told to do, if it is not against my principle.

Why?

Instead of asking why, I’d rather ask “how” because I believe that if I know how to do something, the reason behind doing so would appear to me. And that is the only time for me to believe or not to believe the reason I am told.

But today let me ask myself this simple but sometimes horrifying question.

Image from www.google.com

Why?

Why did this come to this point? This is not the life you have envisioned. This is not your goal. This point of your life should have been buried to the deepest part of this world and should have been guarded by a savaged beast which would always be ready to risk its life just to protect the secret you have been hiding all along.

Why?

Why did you let all these things to happen? First and foremost, you should have been the one taking over when no one else does. You should have been the one to make things right. But what happened?

Why?

Why did you distance yourself too much that you didn’t know how to reach out again? Everything feels out of place because you shut yourself out from people. You have this unique talent of shutting people out then feeling alone without realizing that what you have been experiencing was created by none other than your own self. You do really have a lot of trust issues because of the circumstances then, but you should not imprison yourself. There’s a lot more to life than this.

Why?

Because all along, you wanted the people around you to notice you – to notice how much effort you have put to something, to notice how much you did to improve yourself, to notice how much you strived just to be noticed.

Why?

Because you just want to quit whenever you don’t feel like you are being you anymore.

Why?

Because you can’t admit to yourself that you are a quitter.

Why?

Because you are you. And you should be happy about that.

Thoughts and Reflections: My Life in the So-Called Real World

People say that graduation is an ending but also a start of a new beginning. It is a time when students are very excited to wear their black toga, walk down that aisle, and then get the hell out of the university or college where they have enjoyed and (maybe) suffered a lot. Yes, that’s how I feel when I graduated almost a year ago. But behind all these trivialities, deep thoughts are at the back of my mind. Graduation is more than just a ceremonious event; it is a point where a young person have to realize that they are “crossing the threshold from learning the basic to learning for life”. It is indeed a step toward the goal, a step toward success.

A lot of things happened to me after graduation. But even before I graduated, I had done things that a normal graduating student would not have done. A normal candidate for graduation would start printing a lot of copies of his or her curriculum vitae then pass it to several companies, or school in my case, and then wait for any one of them to call. That’s the normal deal, but mine is different. 

A month before my graduation, I had to process my SSS, Philhealth, PAG-IBIG, and other requirements for work since I was hired two months prior to the commencement exercises. It was a bit awkward doing these things with experienced and age-advanced individuals. What I meant was there were a lot of older people out there eagerly waiting for their names to be called while in queues. Sometimes I felt out of place but I just considered myself in that situation as a neophyte, and that was a part of my initiation rites. (And just to clear things up, I was not bothered by the queues; I was bothered by the experience.)

Aside from the absurdity of that experience, it was also discomforting that I didn’t look for work after graduation. (How come?) The school where I had my internship forcefully convinced me to pass my CV and take the aptitude test. A week after, the school principal told me to process all my requirements as soon as possible. Currently, I am very blessed to have been working at St. Thomas Academy for a year now, and let me just say that I am indebted to the administration of the school for welcoming me with open arms even when I have nothing to offer but my inexperienced service.

In addition to the pre- and post-graduation experiences I had, I also have had a ton of teaching involvement already. Ten months of teaching ninth and tenth graders was one hell of an experience. It was as if they were just my siblings and peers. There were students who are taller, making me feel like a hobbit. There were also students who pushed my patience to its limits and students who tested me in every way possible. These experiences of me being in the teaching profession were something I can consider worth keeping and worth remembering because these things molded me into the teacher that I am today. Good catch!

Career-wise, I can say I’m good. I can’t say I’m better because I have not experienced other work environments at the moment. But I realized that it’s hard to build a harmonious relationship with your co-workers. Different people, different ages, different races, different beliefs, and different personalities - you have to deal with these things despite of all the pressures your profession has put on your shoulders.

On another note, I have also pondered about the people who came in and out of my life. There were people whom I have lost along the way and people who have come to share the ride. When I started to live outside my world, I have met a lot of people and I am coinciding with their worlds right now. But as I drift away from the world I used to know and I used to share with a lot of people back then, I realized that our worlds are now lying in different planes - almost side by side but never overlapping again. This is the reality. The person you are close to when you’re in college might be the same person you are not talking to right now. The person who used to switch worlds with you might be the same person who just talks to you when he or she needs something right now. The person who used to be always by your side back then might be the same person who just seldom checks on you right now. I guess that’s how it is - gravity pulls you closer to one then lets you lose the other.

Cape Bojeador Lighthouse. Burgos, Ilocos Norte

I will be always grateful to where I am right now. There may be regrets and what ifs but I just have to deal with the now and just learn from the then. Things will be better in due time. In due time.