WHY?

Why?

I always tell people that my life question is “how”. But, recently, I found myself asking a lot of whys.

Why?

I don’t usually ask this question because I feel like I don’t need to know the reason. Because I know that whatever answer I get from asking, I will still do what I am told to do, if it is not against my principle.

Why?

Instead of asking why, I’d rather ask “how” because I believe that if I know how to do something, the reason behind doing so would appear to me. And that is the only time for me to believe or not to believe the reason I am told.

But today let me ask myself this simple but sometimes horrifying question.

Image from www.google.com

Why?

Why did this come to this point? This is not the life you have envisioned. This is not your goal. This point of your life should have been buried to the deepest part of this world and should have been guarded by a savaged beast which would always be ready to risk its life just to protect the secret you have been hiding all along.

Why?

Why did you let all these things to happen? First and foremost, you should have been the one taking over when no one else does. You should have been the one to make things right. But what happened?

Why?

Why did you distance yourself too much that you didn’t know how to reach out again? Everything feels out of place because you shut yourself out from people. You have this unique talent of shutting people out then feeling alone without realizing that what you have been experiencing was created by none other than your own self. You do really have a lot of trust issues because of the circumstances then, but you should not imprison yourself. There’s a lot more to life than this.

Why?

Because all along, you wanted the people around you to notice you – to notice how much effort you have put to something, to notice how much you did to improve yourself, to notice how much you strived just to be noticed.

Why?

Because you just want to quit whenever you don’t feel like you are being you anymore.

Why?

Because you can’t admit to yourself that you are a quitter.

Why?

Because you are you. And you should be happy about that.

Thoughts and Reflections: My Life in the So-Called Real World

People say that graduation is an ending but also a start of a new beginning. It is a time when students are very excited to wear their black toga, walk down that aisle, and then get the hell out of the university or college where they have enjoyed and (maybe) suffered a lot. Yes, that’s how I feel when I graduated almost a year ago. But behind all these trivialities, deep thoughts are at the back of my mind. Graduation is more than just a ceremonious event; it is a point where a young person have to realize that they are “crossing the threshold from learning the basic to learning for life”. It is indeed a step toward the goal, a step toward success.

A lot of things happened to me after graduation. But even before I graduated, I had done things that a normal graduating student would not have done. A normal candidate for graduation would start printing a lot of copies of his or her curriculum vitae then pass it to several companies, or school in my case, and then wait for any one of them to call. That’s the normal deal, but mine is different. 

A month before my graduation, I had to process my SSS, Philhealth, PAG-IBIG, and other requirements for work since I was hired two months prior to the commencement exercises. It was a bit awkward doing these things with experienced and age-advanced individuals. What I meant was there were a lot of older people out there eagerly waiting for their names to be called while in queues. Sometimes I felt out of place but I just considered myself in that situation as a neophyte, and that was a part of my initiation rites. (And just to clear things up, I was not bothered by the queues; I was bothered by the experience.)

Aside from the absurdity of that experience, it was also discomforting that I didn’t look for work after graduation. (How come?) The school where I had my internship forcefully convinced me to pass my CV and take the aptitude test. A week after, the school principal told me to process all my requirements as soon as possible. Currently, I am very blessed to have been working at St. Thomas Academy for a year now, and let me just say that I am indebted to the administration of the school for welcoming me with open arms even when I have nothing to offer but my inexperienced service.

In addition to the pre- and post-graduation experiences I had, I also have had a ton of teaching involvement already. Ten months of teaching ninth and tenth graders was one hell of an experience. It was as if they were just my siblings and peers. There were students who are taller, making me feel like a hobbit. There were also students who pushed my patience to its limits and students who tested me in every way possible. These experiences of me being in the teaching profession were something I can consider worth keeping and worth remembering because these things molded me into the teacher that I am today. Good catch!

Career-wise, I can say I’m good. I can’t say I’m better because I have not experienced other work environments at the moment. But I realized that it’s hard to build a harmonious relationship with your co-workers. Different people, different ages, different races, different beliefs, and different personalities - you have to deal with these things despite of all the pressures your profession has put on your shoulders.

On another note, I have also pondered about the people who came in and out of my life. There were people whom I have lost along the way and people who have come to share the ride. When I started to live outside my world, I have met a lot of people and I am coinciding with their worlds right now. But as I drift away from the world I used to know and I used to share with a lot of people back then, I realized that our worlds are now lying in different planes - almost side by side but never overlapping again. This is the reality. The person you are close to when you’re in college might be the same person you are not talking to right now. The person who used to switch worlds with you might be the same person who just talks to you when he or she needs something right now. The person who used to be always by your side back then might be the same person who just seldom checks on you right now. I guess that’s how it is - gravity pulls you closer to one then lets you lose the other.

Cape Bojeador Lighthouse. Burgos, Ilocos Norte

I will be always grateful to where I am right now. There may be regrets and what ifs but I just have to deal with the now and just learn from the then. Things will be better in due time. In due time.

Being a Teacher

Teaching has never been an easy task. This is my first year so I have been under a lot of adjustments. There were times when I wanted to give up, quit the fight, and just walk out of this because I’m not being me anymore. I am not used to changing the way I act and the way I am so that students would follow my orders. Since I am not a control freak, my belief is that students will and should follow the teacher’s orders and directions from the heart. It should not just be a matter of I-should-do-this-because-I-am-scared-of-the-teacher act. There were many times that I become the evil I refuse myself to become because the class I am handling is the notorious and infamous. And that is the worst experience I had. It consumed me in a way that made me indifferent, insensitive, harsh, and heartless.

On Being Kind

My students used to tell me I am so kind. I guess I am but I put my kindness in place. The students I am facing are also human beings; they also have a heart and they can also be hurt by harsh words. I don’t want them to experience the teacher’s verbosity when it comes to giving sermons. I have taught them to be sensitive to the teacher’s mood and feelings so that they will not be in trouble.

These students say they love me. Yes, I do believe them. I feel it especially when I am having my class and I am facing them while they are looking at me with eyes twinkling and telling me, “Ma’am, you are bringing us into another world.” And right at that moment, I know I have fulfilled my goal as a teacher - to let the students think beyond the context of the lesson and bring themselves into another world where they will ask themselves, “Am I still trying to learn a lesson?”

On Being a Second Mother

I became a mother of 41 in an instant. I just graduated from college and here I am dealing with my 41 children inside one classroom, eight hours a day for five days a week. I can say that that is one heck of a week and one heck of a school year. At first, I can’t believe it myself. The class is a mix of different species of animals all wanting to live. Everyone wanted to eat each other to survive. It was a boxing match with 41 boxers in one ring at a time. It was an American Football League where everyone is a quarterback. It was a wrestling match where 41 people are vying for the championship. And in all those fights, battles, and games, I have always been the referee. It was a tough battle but I have managed everything with the help of the Almighty.

Feedback from Students

At the end of the school year, my requirement for all my students is an essay telling what they have learned in English that they can apply in real-life and their reflections about the classes we had. I got a lot of feedback and a lot of realizations after reading their essays. One student wrote, “…even [when] you caught me not listening, I am honestly telling you that that’s my favorite part.” This made me realized that not all students do things inside the classroom because they want to, but they do things inside the classroom because they want the teacher’s attention.

Another student wrote, “I’m pushing you [to] your limits since the class started. I eat, play, listen-not, and even answer weird stuff on your questions.” And so I've been put under a certain test since then. I can say that the student who wrote this once started getting on my nerves but, luckily, I have not reached the point of outburst. Understanding is a key to a harmonious relationship with the students. They still have hormonal imbalance at this time so I guess it’s natural for them to be testing their teachers and pushing them to their limits.

            Other remarks that are worth pondering are the following:

• “She isn't one of those teachers [who] will give their all just to be liked by the students.” I admit it. I wanted to be liked by my students at the beginning of the school year. But as weeks and months went by, I have changed my perspective. My view now is that whether you like me or not as a teacher, you have to like me because I will teach you something you can use in your life.
• “What’s good in your subject is that I do not have to memorize.” First and foremost, the subject doesn't require memorization. And I will not require it either because I know that what the students memorize now will be temporal. I haven’t enjoyed memorization either. Understanding and application in real-life situations is my concept of essential learning.
• “…taught us that being serious directs our eyes to focus on what’s only in front of you and not the other things around you.” I believe that teaching the students to look at the bigger picture will always help them discover different ways to solve the problems they are and will be facing.
• “This class will not force you to learn but it will help you to understand.” I am very glad that the students saw that little part of my teaching. Students are newly molded pots. Once you pound on them real hard, they will break.
• A teacher who “[teaches] students ‘how’ to think than ‘what’ to think.” Metacognition is a subject I am very fascinated about. Letting the students know their process of thinking will help them understand more the lessons they are learning. It’s a way to help them look at things with a different perspective.
• “…a teacher who didn't give us temporary learnings but lifetime teachings.” For me, it’s just a mix of realism, essentialism, and perennialism. I should teach the students what is real, what is essential and what they can use through a lifetime.

Teaching English to these students is an honor. I got to touch their lives in a simple way and they got to touch mine too. I didn't feel like a teacher. It’s as if I've been back to high school to learn the things I should have learned before. And I can say that I am honored to be a partner of these students in learning.

What I Learned

Teaching is a matter or learning the things you have not yet encountered and re-learning the things that you have already forgotten. I have indeed learned a lot of things this year and I can say that those things helped me to grow and to develop myself as an individual and as a teacher.